How to Deal With a Narcissist | 7 Effective Tricks They’ll Wish You Didn’t Know

I Haven’t Always Known How to Deal With a Narcissist

I was once in a relationship with a narcissist, or “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” He was charming and confident at a time in my life that I felt awkward and inadequate. So he ran the show.

And even though I often disagreed with him, I would usually give in. I’m a sweet girl from Iowa and darn it, we Iowans are nice people.

But it didn’t take long before I realized that if I didn’t learn how to deal with a narcissist, I was going to be bulldozed into the ground.

The confidence and manipulation characteristic of narcissists can make a natural pushover like myself feel pretty defenseless. But thanks to some practice in that relationship, and with several other narcissists in my life, I’ve learned to recognize their tricks and stand up for myself in a way that still feels true to my natural personality.

How to Deal With a Narcissist

So… how to deal with a narcissist without getting plowed over in their wake?

The first step in learning how to deal with a narcissist is to learn how to recognize one.

There are a hundred different ways to spot them. Some of the most common are:

• They make a killer first impression. They’re usually very charming and likable at first. They want to appear successful and are very conscious of the image they project to others.
• Their appearance is everything. They place high importance on appearing attractive, both in person and online. A 2014 study found that narcissists post more selfies than others, but only after careful editing, and are quick to delete any unflattering pictures of themselves.
• They like material things that convey status. Name brands, high-end products, and using the “best” doctor, lawyer, or hairstylist in town, all convey their importance.
• They love to talk about themselves. The conversation always comes back to them.
• They name-drop. Narcissists want you to know that they know important people, be it a distant connection they have with a celebrity or the fact that they regularly chat with upper management at their job.
• They feel superior and entitled. They have to be the best, most competent, and most right at everything, with everything done their way. Interestingly, mindbodygreen.com notes that “narcissists can also get that superior feeling by being the worst; the most wrong; or the most ill, upset, or injured for a period of time.”
• They feel a need to control all. the. things. They have the perfect plan for how everything should go and take control to make sure that’s exactly what happens. Their plan even includes what other people should do and say. When those people stray from the imagined script, narcissists often become upset, as they can’t reach their desired conclusion.
• They lack empathy. They don’t consider or care about the thoughts or feelings of others, especially if they conflict with their own.
• They’re strongly averse to criticism, and regularly shift blame to others.

Second, “when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Maya Angelou said it best. My narcissist showed early signs of disrespecting my feelings and our relationship. But the confidence with which he insisted I “just move on” from those events was super convincing.

If something feels wrong, or seems to indicate less-than-ideal character, trust your gut. Don’t allow their charm or confidence to gloss over important warning signs.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t show grace to them and others. But don’t be naive to your own detriment.

Third, learn to recognize signs of manipulation.

If you can recognize manipulation, you’ll be less likely to fall for it.

This fantastic post by Psychology Today lists 14 signs of manipulation, including using guilt, making jokes about your weaknesses, overwhelming you with information, and more. Arm yourself with knowledge!

Fourth, don’t accept everything they say as gospel truth.

My narcissist pointed out my “faults” and made it seem like every person that had met me or heard of me, even our close friends, was annoyed by those faults. I felt embarrassed and inferior, as if people just put up with me for his sake.

But surprise, surprise, it turned out none of it was true.

Just because something is spoken with confidence, or “backed up by others,” does not make it true. Take what a narcissist says with a grain of salt.

Fifth, question their motives.

When your narcissist says or does something, ask yourself if they have something to gain from it.

One narcissist in my life found a million things wrong with my parenting style and pointed them out with convincingly sincere concern.

What she was actually doing, though, was setting me up as a failure and herself up as a highly successful, experienced parent. She wanted to be viewed and consulted as an authority on parenting.

Sixth, remember that you’re a better person than they want you to know.

A narcissist will usually talk themselves up while talking you down. They want you to feel bad about yourself, and grateful that such a wonderful person as themselves would still choose to be with you despite your shortcomings.

Of course, you’re not perfect. No one is. But it’s important to remember all of your strengths.

And finally, remember that at the root of it all, they’re the one with the issue.

Many insist that narcissists are secretly insecure and only projecting obnoxious confidence to mask their insecurities. But recent studies have found that some narcissists might just be as impressed with themselves as they seem.

Whatever their self-esteem, remember that the words and actions you receive from them are all attempts to feel better about themselves. Don’t allow yourself to feel bullied or degraded.

They’re not functioning within ordinary social norms, and their opinion of you isn’t going to be accurate.

Once you’ve learned how to recognize a narcissist, you can believe who they are the first time, recognize signs of manipulation, and stop accepting everything they say as truth. Question their motives, remember your worth, and don’t forget that they’re the one with the issue, not you.

You are smart. You are strong. And you are completely capable of handling a narcissist without getting run over. You’ve got this!

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