How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship & Feel Secure

In my first serious relationship, I was a wiiiiildly jealous partner.

I was 20 years old, insecure in my own identity and self-worth, and assumed that every woman who talked to my boyfriend was flirting with him.

Unsurprisingly, my jealousy placed a huge strain on our relationship, driving a wedge between us that eventually led to our demise. Worst of all, it took a toll on my mental health both during our relationship and for years to come.

With time and maturity, I eventually learned how to stop being jealous in a relationship. Mastering this important skill allowed for both healthy relationships and a bolstered self-esteem. Win-win, right?

If you’re wondering how to stop being jealous in a relationship, you’ve come to the right place. Let’s talk about it!

Understanding Jealousy in Relationships

Jealousy affects almost every relationship at some point, even healthy relationships! Getting clear on what causes these negative feelings and learning to manage them can not only make you feel more secure but also strengthen your bond with your partner.

Defining Jealousy and Its Impact

Jealous feelings can trigger a variety of emotional responses in the jealous partner, including anger, fear, and sadness. These emotions often pop up when you worry about losing your partner’s attention or affection to someone else.

Jealousy can show up in lots of different ways. Some signs of jealousy include:

• Constantly checking your partner’s phone or social media
• Getting upset when they spend time with others
• Comparing yourself to their ex-partners
• Viewing their friendships as a perceived threat

Your brain can turn small things into really big ones! For example, it can make your heart race when your partner simply likes someone’s social media post or talks to an attractive person.

Jealousy made me panic when my boyfriend’s “boys night” would roll around every week.

The truth was that they were eating cheese fries in smelly workout clothes. But my brain conjured up images of beautiful women flocking to them and laughing at all of their dumb jokes.

Distinguishing Healthy vs. Unhealthy Jealousy

Jealousy is a natural human emotion. There’s no way around that!

A tiny bit of romantic jealousy is normal and can even show you care about your partner and relationship! But it becomes a problem when it starts controlling your actions and hurting your romantic relationships.

Healthy jealousy motivates you to:

• Talk openly with your partner
• Work on building trust
• Improve yourself and the relationship

Unhealthy jealousy leads to:

• Constant suspicion and doubt
• Controlling behavior
• Strained communication
• Emotional distance

Struggling to decide if you’re experiencing healthy or unhealthy jealousy?

Pay attention to how your romantic jealousy affects your actions. If you find yourself getting angry often or trying to control your partner, it’s likely you’re experiencing unhealthy jealousy and need to address these negative feelings.

Identifying the Causes of Jealousy

First up on our to-do list: Identifying our triggers!

Feelings of jealousy often stem from deep-seated emotions and past experiences that shape how you view your relationships today. The first step to managing jealous feelings is to recognize your own triggers.

Past Experiences and Fear of Abandonment

Being left or betrayed in previous relationships, either romantic relationships or friendships, can create lasting emotional scars. Your brain can start seeing warning signs that aren’t really there in an attempt to protect you from getting hurt again.

Childhood experiences can play a big role too! If your parents or another family member weren’t consistently there for you, you might feel anxious about losing people you care about now.

These past experiences and fear of abandonment can show up as:

• Constant worry about your partner leaving
• Getting upset when they spend time with others
• Needing frequent reassurance about their feelings
• Comparing yourself to their past partners

Perceived Threat and Trust Issues

Research shows that jealousy can appear very early in life, and your personal feelings of insecurity often make it worse. When you don’t feel secure about yourself, simple things like your partner’s friendly chat with a coworker might feel threatening.

Common trust triggers that can result in signs of jealousy include:

• Social media interactions
• Work relationships
• Time spent with friends
• Late night texts or calls

Your own self-image affects how you view a perceived threat.

I was still trying to find myself in my 20s, trying on different personalities and interests and not feeling confident or comfortable in any of them. My lack of a strong personal identity made me feel insecure around my partner’s established identity and those of his female friends.

Low self-esteem can also make you doubt your partner’s commitment, even when they’ve given you no reason to worry.

Remind yourself as often as necessary that not every friendly interaction is a threat to your relationship. Your partner chose to be with you.

Improving Communication and Trust

Trust and open dialogue, about your jealously and every other topic, can build healthy relationships and reduce jealous feelings. Good communication in general helps both a jealous person and their partner feel secure and validated.

Initiate Honest and Open Communication

Now that you understand the cause and triggers of your jealous feelings, it’s time to share your feelings with your partner in a calm, non-accusatory way. Use “I feel” statements instead of blaming language.

It’s important to take responsibility for your own role in your feelings, rather than presenting a list of things your partner should do differently. If your partner cares about you, they’ll likely look for ways to be sensitive to and help alleviate your concerns, no nagging required.

Listen actively when your partner responds and resist the urge to interrupt or defend yourself.

Keep in mind that those on the other end of jealous feelings might accused by their jealous partner of being untrustworthy or lacking character. Their feelings are just as valid as yours and might require time to process.

When new concerns pop up later, set aside dedicated time to talk about them before they grow bigger. Open communication shows you value the relationship and want to work through issues together.

Key communication tips:

• Express yourself honestly but kindly.
• Ask questions to better understand your partner’s perspective.
• Acknowledge your partner’s feelings even if you disagree.
• Share both positive and negative emotions.

Build Trust with Your Partner

Let’s be honest…romantic jealousy can only sprout up if/when you feel a lack of trust towards your partner.

I used to say I trusted my partner with my life. But if I thought a coworker making him a playlist he never asked for could lure him away from our relationship, I didn’t actually trust him.

So the next step is to squash trust issues by actively working on building trust!

The good news is that you don’t have to tackle major life milestones together to build trust. Small actions can build trust over time, and at a slower, more sustainable rate.

Both partners should work to keep their promises, even minor ones. For example, if you say you’ll call at 7:00, set an alarm to make sure you do.

Be reliable and consistent in your behavior. It’s important that your partner feels they can count on you, and you them.

And be sure to give your partner space to maintain friendships and interests.

It’s not a bad thing that your partner has healthy relationships outside of yours. In fact, it’s a very, very good thing!

Controlling behavior never helps the jealous person feel better. It just creates trust issues and breeds resentment.

Trust-building actions to squash romantic jealousy:

• Be transparent about plans and activities.
• Follow through on your commitments.
• Support your partner’s independence rather than making them feel guilty.
• Practice honest, open communication when it comes to any concerns.

Strategies for Personal Growth and Management

While it’s definitely important to work on building healthy relationships, I found that working on myself was the real key to squashing feelings of jealousy for good. Both personal growth and self-awareness are essential tools for building a healthier mindset.

Addressing Underlying Issues

Jealousy is a natural human emotion that often stems from deeper fears and feelings of insecurity.

Take time to write down what triggers your jealous feelings. Ask yourself: “What am I really afraid of? What are my own insecurities that have nothing to do with my partner?”

Your past experiences might affect how you react today. If you’ve been hurt before, it’s natural to feel protective of your heart.

Try these steps to work through your feelings:

• Write in a journal about your own insecurities and fears.
• Try to notice any patterns in your reactions.
• Question negative thoughts when they arise.
• Talk to a trusted friend or therapist.

Focusing on Personal Development

A huge key to managing my own feelings of jealousy was building my self-confidence. And the first step to building self-confidence was to zero in on activities I enjoyed.

Start these confidence-building habits:

• Set personal goals unrelated to your romantic relationships. (I decided I wanted to run a half-marathon!)
• Learn a new skill or hobby. (I started learning Japanese!)
• Exercise regularly. (Virtual races are my jam!)
• Practice daily self-care.

When negative thoughts come up, try calming strategies like:

• Deep breathing
• Going for a walk
• Meditation
• Listening to music
• Therapy with a clinical psychologist (I can’t stress this one enough for both healthy relationships and overall mental health!)

The more time I spent on confidence-building habits and appropriate coping strategies, the more my feelings of insecurity melted away.

Remember that your worth isn’t tied to your relationship. Put energy into your own growth and watch your confidence bloom as the jealous person you once were dies away.

Staying Mindful and Moving Forward

Mindfulness and consistent action can create lasting changes in how you handle feelings of jealousy. These tools offer the best way to help you build trust in yourself and your relationships.

Practicing Mindfulness and Letting Go

Mindfulness exercises can help you catch jealous thoughts before they take over. Take a few deep breaths when you notice these feelings starting.

Pay attention to your body’s signals.

Notice where you feel tension or stress when jealous thoughts appear. This awareness can help you respond better.

Step away from social media when you feel triggered. Constant checking and comparing only feeds jealous feelings and slowly disintegrates your mental health.

Try this simple exercise: Write down your jealous thoughts, then tear up the paper. This physical act helps release negative emotions.

Sustaining Healthy Behaviors Over Time

Make time each day for activities that boost your confidence. Exercise, hobbies, and spending time with friends remind you of your worth outside the relationship.

Set small, achievable goals for personal growth. Celebrate your progress in both managing jealous reactions and improving your overall mental health.

Talk openly with your partner about your efforts to change. Share what helps you feel secure, and thank them when they support your growth.

Don’t forget to keep checking in on how your partner feels too!

Ensure your response is empathetic and supportive, whether they express positive or negative feelings. After all, your personal growth journey in this area doesn’t occur in a vacuum – it affects them too!

Try creating a list of positive things about your relationship to look back on when doubts creep in. Keep adding to it as you build trust together.

When jealous thoughts feel overwhelming, connect with a trusted family member or friend. They can offer some perspective to help you determine if your negative feelings and concerns are truly grounded in reality.

What if your jealousy is based on your partner’s actions?

The fact is that some jealous feelings are grounded in reality. If your partner is flirting with others, hiding things from you, or disrespecting you, your feelings of insecurity may be justified!

If your partner’s actions constantly trigger jealous thoughts, it’s important to bring it up with them ASAP. They might be unaware of how their actions are perceived and apologize for missing the mark.

But if, after being made aware, they refuse to change their ways or, worse, try to make you feel silly or stupid about your concerns, it’s time to cut your losses and move on!

You deserve someone who loves and respects you, and who doesn’t trivialize your emotional needs. (Remember: An abusive relationship isn’t always physically abusive!)

Today, I can honestly say I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and have only run into jealous feelings twice in that time. I actively pursue my own hobbies and interests, don’t sweat female friends or coworkers, and no longer feel the need to monitor or control my partner.

If I can let go of jealousy, you can too! You know how to stop being jealous in a relationship now so…get started, friend. You’ve got this!

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