How to Stop Being Codependent in a Relationship & Be HAPPY

I’ve been on both ends of a codependent relationship.

First, I exhibited codependent behavior myself and wondered how it could possibly bother my partner so much. I mean, was it so terrible to be loved?!

Then in my next relationship, I experienced my romantic partner exhibiting codependent behavior toward me and suddenly understood. I felt suffocated, exhausted by their persistent low self-esteem, and desperate for healthy boundaries.

Codependent behavior hurts both people in any relationship but it’s especially potent in romantic relationships. It breeds insecurity, diminishes sense of self-worth, and hyper-focuses on one person’s needs while ignoring the needs of others.

The good news is that codependent people can unlearn unhealthy behaviors. It’s very possible to learn how to stop being codependent in a relationship…while still finding the emotional support you need!

Let’s talk about how…

Understanding Codependency

Codependency can harm romantic relationships and personal well-being. Knowing what it looks like can help you to spot it in yourself and others.

Defining a Codependent Relationship

A codependent relationship is one where one person puts the other’s needs before their own. This can happen with friends, family members, or in romantic relationships, almost always with good intentions.

Their self-worth may depend on how much they help or please the other person and they might feel responsible for fixing their problems for them.

For the people-pleasing codependent people, these codependent tendencies can lead to:

• Ignoring their own needs
• Having trouble saying no
• Fear of being alone
• Feeling guilty when they do something for themselves

On the other end of a codependent relationship is the person receiving prioritization.

They may feel smothered or unable to develop their own independence and autonomy due to the codependent behavior of their romantic partner. This dynamic can result in the receiving person feeling trapped, overwhelmed, or resentful.

Alternately, some people on the receiving end, end up accepting and even embracing the codependent behavior, believing over time that their own feelings and needs should be prioritized above those of not only their romantic partner but everyone else in their life. This narcissistic attitude only further exacerbates the unhealthy behaviors of the codependent person, which further damages the mental health of both partners.

Recognizing Signs of Codependency in Yourself and Others

Watch for these signs of codependency:

• Always putting others first, even when it hurts you
• Trouble making decisions without input from others
• Feeling responsible for others’ feelings
• Fear of rejection if you don’t agree with someone
• Difficulty identifying your own feelings and needs

In others, look for:

• Controlling behavior
• Mood swings that affect your emotions
• Relying on you to solve their problems
• Getting upset when you set boundaries

Spotting these signs of codependency is the first step to establishing healthier relationships. It’s okay to care, but not at the cost of your own well-being.

The Roots of Codependence

Signs of codependency often start early in life and can be shaped by our experiences. It’s important to understand where these patterns come from in order to break free from them.

Learned Behavior from Family Members

As a child, you might have picked up codependent traits from family members who are codependent people. For example, if your parents had an unhealthy relationship, you may have learned to put others’ needs first even when it hurts.

This can happen in families dealing with:

• Addiction
• Substance use disorder
• Mental health issues
• Abuse or neglect

You might have taken on adult roles too soon, becoming a caretaker for siblings or parents. This can also teach you to ignore your own needs.

Alternately, expressing emotions isn’t allowed in some families.

You might have learned to hide your feelings to keep the peace. This can result in your having a hard time speaking up in relationships later.

Influence of Past Relationships

Your history with a romantic partner can also feed into codependent tendencies. 

If you’ve been in a dysfunctional relationship, you might have learned to:

• Put the happiness of your romantic partner before your own
• Avoid conflict at all costs
• Take responsibility for your partner’s actions

These patterns of past relationships can stick with you, even in new relationships. They might cause you to fear being alone, leading you to stay in unhealthy situations.

Past betrayals or abandonments during a hard time can also make you clingy or overly eager to please. You might think that by being “perfect,” you can avoid getting hurt again.

Building Self-Esteem and Individuality

Now that you understand what might have led to your codependent behavior, it’s time to start breaking free from it!

Taking care of yourself is arguably the first step to ending codependency. You can build your low self-esteem and become more independent by focusing on your personal growth and values.

Discovering Personal Values

What do you really care about? Take time to think about your beliefs and goals.

Make a list of things that matter most to you. This could include family, career, hobbies, or causes you support.

Try new activities to learn more about yourself. You might discover hidden talents or interests!

Join a club, take a class, or travel to new places. These experiences can help to further shape your personal identity and values.

And pay attention to how you feel. Notice when you’re happy or upset. 

Being clear about your thoughts can help you understand your values better. Consider writing in a journal to help track your feelings and ideas.

Cultivating Self-Worth

Start treating yourself with kindness. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend.

When you make a mistake, be gentle. Remember that everyone messes up sometimes.

Set small, achievable goals for yourself. This could be as simple as making your bed each day or learning a new skill.

As you reach them, you’ll feel increasingly more confident.

Take care of your body and mind. Eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep.

Do things that make you feel good, like reading or taking a bath. When you take care of yourself, you show yourself that you’re worth the effort.

And don’t forget to say no to things you don’t want to do. 

It’s okay to put your needs first sometimes. This helps you (and others!) respect your own feelings and time.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is key to stopping codependency. I had to learn this one the hard way and can personally attest to its effectiveness!

Learning to set limits can improve both your relationship and your personal well-being.

Identifying and Communicating Needs

To set healthy boundaries, you need to know what you want. 

Think about your emotional needs. What makes you happy? What upsets you?

Make a list of your needs and values.

Once you know your needs, tell others about them. 

Use “I” statements to express yourself. For example, say “I need some alone time” instead of “You’re always bothering me.”

Be clear and direct when talking about your boundaries.

Don’t hint or expect others to guess. Tell people exactly what you need from them.

And above everything else, remember that it’s okay to say no. 

You don’t have to do everything others ask. Saying no is an important first step in setting boundaries.

Respecting Others’ Limits

Remember, everyone else has the right to set boundaries too! Respect the limits others set, just as you want them to respect yours.

Ask people what they’re comfortable with.

Don’t assume you know their boundaries. Listen when they tell you what they need.

If someone says no, accept it. 

Don’t try to change their mind or make them feel guilty. Respect their decision, just as you want them to respect yours.

Give people space when they need it. 

Don’t push for more than they’re willing to give. This helps to build trust and mutual respect.

And, most importantly in my own experience, don’t try to step over others’ boundaries to take responsibility for the things they should. This includes their day-to-day responsibilities (taking care of their bodies, holding down a job, communicating and keeping the peace with others, etc.) and their personal emotions.

It’s not your job to make sure your romantic partner is happy at all times. Their happiness and life satisfaction are ultimately their responsibility!

What if my codependent partner isn’t interested in changing their codependent behavior?

If your codependent romantic partner or family members aren’t interested in changing their behavior, it’s important to focus on your own well-being and boundaries.

Here are some steps you can take:

1. Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors you will and will not accept. Communicate these boundaries calmly and assertively.
2. Seek Support: Engage in therapy or join a support group for codependency. Professional help can provide you with strategies to cope and grow independently.
3. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize activities and relationships that bring you joy and fulfillment. This can help shift your focus away from the codependent dynamics of your family members.
4. Encourage Open Communication: Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. This can sometimes open up a dialogue about the issues.
5. Evaluate the Relationship: Consider if the relationship is healthy for you. If a romantic partner is unwilling to change, it might be necessary to reassess whether staying in the relationship is beneficial for your mental and emotional health.

By focusing on what you can control — your own actions and reactions — you’ll feel more at peace and more in control of both your life and future.

Seeking Support and Guidance

Getting help from others is another key to overcoming codependency. With so many people and resources available to support you on your journey, you don’t have to face this challenge alone.

Engaging with Support Groups

Support groups can be an incredible source of comfort and advice. 

You’ll meet others who understand what you’re going through. Codependency support groups offer a safe space to share your experiences.

In these groups, you can learn new coping skills. You’ll also hear stories from people who have overcome similar struggles, which can give you hope and motivation.

You can find them online or in your local community, with many of them free to join. Remember, attending a group doesn’t mean you’re weak, it shows you’re taking the first step to improve your life.

Working with Mental Health Professionals

Professional help can make a big difference in your recovery. A therapist or counselor can help you understand the root causes of your codependent tendencies and give you personalized guidance.

Family therapists can be especially helpful. They can work with you and your partner to improve your relationship dynamics, helping you learn healthier ways to interact with and support one another.

Therapy sessions provide a safe place to explore your feelings. You’ll develop tools to set boundaries, build up low self-esteem, and manage stress.

Don’t be afraid to shop around for the right fit! It’s important that you feel comfortable with your therapist, and sometimes that takes a few tries.

With the right professional help and support, you can break free from codependent behavior and patterns and build healthier relationships.

Now you know how to stop being codependent in a relationship. The next step is to put your knowledge into action!

Choose a first step from the ideas above that feels right for you, then bookmark this article so that you can keep coming back to it for your next step…and the next.

Correcting a codependent relationship is haaaaard. (Ask me how I know!) Finding the right balance between meeting both your own emotional needs and the emotional needs of others is tricky enough without codependent tendencies, let alone with them.

But it’s totally possible and can even leave you stronger and happier in the long run if you’re willing to put in the hard work of slowly but surely correcting codependent behavior. You’ve got this, friend!

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