I am possibly the least dramatic person I know.
I don’t take things friends say or do personally, don’t assume the worst of them, and hold pretty low expectations of others in general. (They should put themselves and their families first, not me.) Yet even then, once every year or so, a friend is mad at me.
It’s inevitable. We all know that in our heads.
But it still stings, doesn’t it? It hurts to feel that separation, to experience their purposeful exclusion of you from their life.
So…what can you do when your friend is mad at you? What should you do?
Here’s what I’ve found is the best course of action to (1) make me feel better and (2) ensure our friendship has the best chance for reconciliation:
First step: Consider your words and actions and determine if they warrant an apology.
None of us are perfect. Think through your last few interactions with your friend to determine what exactly might have angered them. Whether intentional or unintentional on your part, the outcome is usually the same.
If you can figure out what upset them, decide if it calls for a sincere apology…or at least an explanation. And if it does…apologize! Explain!
Sure, you could return silence for silence, anger for anger, but has that worked for you in the past? It usually just ensures that we end up hateful and lonely.
If you’re not sure what’s up with them, ask!
Rather than wondering and imagining what might be up…just ask them.
This is easier said than done, I’ll admit. Who wants to kick off an uncomfortable conversation, even with a close friend, am I right?
But it doesn’t have to be complex. “Hey, you’ve seemed kind of distant lately. Did I say or do something to upset you?”
They’ll either (a) tell you exactly what you did in great detail, (b) deny it, or (c) let you in on something much bigger.
I once thought a good friend was mad at me but when I asked her, learned she had just lost her job and was in a weird headspace…for obvious reasons! No matter what they answer, you’ll have done your part to ask and follow up with them.
Give them time and space to cool down.
Most people can’t turn on a dime when it comes to their emotional responses and your friend is likely no different. They’ll need time to work through their emotions in their own head before they’re ready to talk and reconcile with someone else.
By pushing them for an answer sooner than they’re ready to talk, you’ll likely just exacerbate the issue. So resist the urge to press in for answers if they’re not willing to give them just yet.
Don’t dwell on negative thoughts.
I was once super upset with a good friend for taking advantage of me. And every morning as I dried my hair, I’d think about how messed up the entire situation was.
I started fighting with her in my head, saying exactly what I thought, though she wasn’t even aware the conversation was happening there in my bathroom. And unsurprisingly, my feelings of anger toward her grew more and more every morning.
You become what you dwell on. It’s a basic mental health fact. So choose to not dwell on speculations or bitterness.
Take the high road.
Again, you could return silence for silence. You could avoid them, roll your eyes at them, or gossip about them to your other friends.
But if you sincerely wish to reconcile your friendship, it’s always a good idea to avoid making messes you’ll have to clean up later.
By remaining available to talk, treating them respectfully, and resisting the urge to crank up the drama, you’ll be taking the high road. And you’ll avoid giving them any ammo that could stoke the fire.
Bonus: Saying no to petty drama will also help you to avoid piling additional stress and negative emotions on yourself. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Reflect on your relationship.
Now I’m the last person to tell you to “cancel” everyone who looks at you sideways. I believe cancel culture only leaves us feeling critical, angry, and lonely. But sometimes you have to ask if a relationship is enhancing your life or diminishing its quality.
Do you spend the majority of your friendship fighting with this “best friend”? Are they always assuming the worst of you and leaving you to walk on eggshells?
Are they bringing more love than pain to your life? How about more love than stress? Do they check any of the boxes of a toxic friendship?
Friendships are two-way streets. And if you’re the only one putting in the work and reconciling the relationship when things go awry, it might be time to get a new best friend.
Let it go.
If your friend isn’t interested in reconciliation, it may be time to let it go.
Again, friendship is a two-way street and it’s going to take more than one of you to patch things up between you. So be willing to step away, at least for a while.
Maybe you and your friend will reconnect again in the near (or far) future. Or maybe this is where you part ways.
Either way, you can only control your own actions, not theirs. If they’re not willing to talk and reconnect, save yourself the mental turmoil and pause the friendship.
Bonus tip: Don’t be afraid of getting professional help.
Sometimes, holding a difficult conversation with an angry friend, or even avoiding a difficult conversation with them, tells us more about ourselves than it does about them. If you find it difficult to consider life from a different point of view, struggle to manage your emotional responses, or find strong feelings of anger are threatening your overall mental health, sometimes the best course of action is to seek out professional help.
A mental health professional can offer a valuable third-party point of view, explore the root cause behind your own feelings and emotional reactions, and help you find a more productive and positive way to navigate both this difficult time and the next time! I’ve personally grown by leaps and bounds with the help of mental health professionals and would recommend counseling to anyone, anywhere, at any time.
Don’t panic when your friend is mad at you! This is a normal part of every friendship and should be expected.
By choosing your words and thoughts wisely, taking the high road, and allowing time to reflect and heal, you can find peace even if/when your friend chooses not to. You can’t control their actions, but you can choose yours.
And your actions, friend? They’re powerful. You’ve got this.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I start a calm conversation when emotions are high?
Wait for a moment when both of you can talk without distractions. Send a simple text like “Can we talk when you’re ready?” to show you respect their feelings.
When you do talk, start by asking them to share their perspective. Let them speak without interrupting, even if you disagree with what they’re saying. This shows you care about understanding their point of view.
Keep your voice calm and your body language open. Avoid crossing your arms while they talk and make it clear they have your undivided attention.
What should I say to apologize without making things worse?
A sincere apology acknowledges what you did wrong without making excuses. Say something like “I’m sorry I hurt you” instead of “I’m sorry you felt that way.”
Be specific about what you’re apologizing for. This shows you actually understand why they’re upset. For example, “I’m sorry I canceled our plans last minute without giving you a good reason.”
Don’t try to explain away your actions or shift blame to someone else. Just own what you did and ask what you can do to make things right.
What if my friend won’t talk to me or is ignoring my messages?
Send one message letting them know you’re ready to talk when they are. Then step back and give them room to process their feelings.
Avoid sending multiple texts or showing up at their place unannounced. This can make them feel pressured and push them further away. They need time to cool off and think about the situation.
If they continue ignoring you after you’ve given them space, you might need to accept that they’re not ready to work things out yet.
How long should I give them space before reaching out again?
A few days is usually enough time for someone to calm down and think clearly. If the situation was serious, you might need to wait a week or more.
Pay attention to how upset they were when the conflict happened. A small disagreement might only need a day or two, while a bigger issue will take more time.
If a week has passed with no response, you can send one more message saying you care about the friendship and you’re there when they’re ready. After that, the ball is in their court.
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