How to Stop Being Dismissive Avoidant: Heal & Connect

Some people find close relationships come easily, while others (myself included) struggle to form an emotional connection in even their most intimate relationships. What gives?

Attachment theory, which describes how individuals form emotional bonds and interact in relationships, offers some valuable insight!

It suggests that everyone falls into one of four attachment styles:

1. Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They are generally trusting, empathetic, and able to communicate their needs and feelings effectively.
2. People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They may be overly dependent on others and experience high levels of anxiety and insecurity in relationships.
3. Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style experience a combination of anxiety and avoidance in relationships. They desire closeness but are also afraid of it, often leading to unpredictable or erratic behavior.
4. And those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style value independence and self-sufficiency, often avoiding emotional closeness and intimacy. They may appear emotionally distant and have difficulty trusting others.

If you struggle to form an emotional connection with others, you might be wondering how to stop being dismissive avoidant. But before you write off your attachment style altogether, it’s important to learn about it…and about what parts of it are worth keeping!

What does it mean to be dismissive avoidant?

A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is one of the four primary attachment styles identified in attachment theory, .

People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to prioritize independence and self-sufficiency. They typically have a positive view of themselves (“I’ve got this!”) but a negative view of others, believing that others are unreliable or untrustworthy.

Those who are dismissive avoidant often suppress their own feelings and avoid discussing emotions with others, which can make it challenging for them to connect with others on a more intimate level. They may also have difficulty trusting others and can be wary of becoming too dependent on anyone outside of themselves.

As with all attachment patterns, it’s not all bad!

The dismissive avoidant attachment style does boast some positive aspects, including:

• Independence: They are highly self-reliant and independent, often excelling in careers and other environments where autonomy is valued.
• Calm Under Pressure: Their ability to remain emotionally detached can help them more effectively navigate high-stress situations, since they can remain calm and composed.
• Self-Sufficiency: They often have a strong sense of self and high self-esteem, which can contribute to personal resilience and their ability to tackle life’s challenges with or without others’ support.

However, it’s difficult to avoid the reality that there are also quite a few drawbacks to having a dismissive avoidant attachment style:

• Difficulty with Intimacy: They often struggle with forming close, intimate relationships, which can lead to loneliness and isolation.
• Emotional Suppression: Their tendency to suppress emotions can lead to unresolved emotional issues and may impact their mental health negatively over time.
• Trust Issues: They may have difficulty trusting others, which can hinder the development of deep and meaningful relationships.

Understanding these pros and cons can help those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style work toward healthier relationship patterns and greater emotional well-being, without losing the aspects of their attachment style that are actually serving them!

The first step in learning how to stop being dismissive avoidant is to rewind it back to where it all began in the first place!

Step 1: Understanding Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

A dismissive-avoidant attachment style affects how you connect with others. It stems from early childhood experiences and, sometimes, from significant experiences later in life.

Origins in Early Childhood

Your attachment style forms in early childhood. 

As a baby, you needed a caring, responsive parent. If your primary caregiver was distant or rejected your needs, you likely learned that others can’t be trusted to meet your needs, leading you to become self-reliant.

You might have stopped reaching out for comfort and instead, turned inward. This commonly results in people becoming very independent both as a child and later as an adult.

Late “Bloomers”

It’s also possible for someone to shift from a secure attachment style to a dismissive-avoidant attachment style later in life. While attachment styles are generally stable, they can change due to significant life experiences or relationships:

• Traumatic Experiences: Experiencing trauma, such as abuse, loss, or significant emotional distress, can alter one’s attachment style. Trauma can lead to increased self-reliance and emotional withdrawal, characteristic of a dismissive-avoidant style.
• Negative Relationships: Prolonged exposure to unhealthy or toxic relationships, where trust is repeatedly broken or emotional needs are consistently unmet, can lead someone to adopt a more avoidant stance to protect themselves from further hurt.
• Major Life Changes: Significant life changes, such as divorce, the death of a loved one, or other major losses, can disrupt a previously secure attachment style, causing a person to become more emotionally distant and self-reliant.
• Chronic Stress: Long-term stress, whether from work, family issues, or other sources, can also impact attachment styles. Chronic stress might lead someone to withdraw emotionally as a coping mechanism.
• Internal Changes: Personal development and changes in self-perception or worldview can also influence attachment styles. For instance, if someone develops a belief that others are generally unreliable or untrustworthy, they may become more avoidant in relationships.

Whether you developed your dismissive-avoidant attachment style in early childhood or later in life, it’s totally possible to work toward regaining a secure attachment style through self-awareness, therapy, and positive relationship experiences!

Step 2: Recognizing Patterns in Relationships

Spotting patterns in your relationships can help you understand your personal dismissive avoidant tendencies. This awareness is key to making positive changes in how you connect with others.

Romantic Relationships Impact

In romantic relationships, you might notice yourself pulling away when things get too close. You may feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and struggle to open up to your partner.

You might:

• Avoid deep conversations
• Feel suffocated by your partner’s needs
• Prioritize independence over togetherness

These behaviors can leave your romantic partner feeling unloved or unimportant, which can eventually lead to a breakdown of the relationship. For this reason, an avoidant partner often finds themself in a cycle of short-term relationships or avoiding commitment altogether.

Try to be honest with yourself about these attachment patterns. Recognizing them is the first step to changing them.

Interaction with Family Members and Friends

Your avoidant-dismissive attachment style can also affect friendships and family ties. You might keep people at arm’s length, even in close relationships like parents, children, and siblings.

Common patterns include:

• Rarely sharing personal information
• Feeling uncomfortable with emotional displays
• Preferring solo activities over group gatherings

You might find it hard to ask for help or support when you need it. This can lead to feeling isolated, even when surrounded by people who care about you and sincerely want to help.

Pay attention to how often you reach out to friends and family.

Do you make excuses to avoid get-togethers? Are you the last to know about family news?

These could be signs of your avoidant tendencies at work.

Step 3: Breaking Down Emotional Barriers

Overcoming emotional barriers is key to healing an insecure attachment style. It takes courage and patience to open up, but the rewards are well worth it!

Confronting Fear of Rejection

Fear of rejection can keep us from getting close to others.

To face this fear:

• Start small. Share a minor worry with someone you trust.
• Challenge negative thoughts. When you think “They’ll leave me,” ask yourself, “Is that really true? What evidence do I have to support that?”
• Remember that some people may reject you…but not everyone will! Many people miss out on connecting with those who want to connect because they were discouraged by someone who didn’t.

Be sure to practice self-compassion.

Be kind to yourself when you feel afraid of rejection. Remind yourself that fear is a very normal emotion experienced by everyone…but that you can overcome it! (Use that “I’ve got this!” mindset you have to your advantage!)

And remember that you don’t have to go from 0 to 100 all at once.

Try gradually increasing your emotional closeness in safe relationships. This helps build confidence and make your connections feel more genuine, rather than forced.

Cultivating Emotional Vulnerability

Being emotionally open can feel scary, but it’s vital for establishing a more intimate connection with others.

Here’s how to grow more vulnerable:

1. Name your feelings. Get in touch with your emotional needs.
2. Share those feelings with others. Start with people you trust.
3. Ask for help when you need it. Allow others to support you.

Don’t hide your true self from others. Your feelings matter and deserve to be expressed, so be honest about your thoughts, needs, and yes, even wants.

But keep in mind that true intimacy has to go both ways! So be sure you’re allowing the other person the same space and time to process and express their own emotions.

Practice active listening when they choose to share. Pause to really hear what they’re saying, rather than planning your response in your head.

Step 4: Developing Emotional Intelligence

Developing emotional intelligence will help you connect more deeply with others. It allows you to understand feelings and react in healthy ways, which is key for stopping dismissive-avoidant behaviors.

Understanding Partner’s Needs

To grasp your partner’s needs, start by actively listening. Pay attention to what they say and how they say it, watching for non-verbal cues.

Ask questions to learn more. “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you need from me right now?” can help you better understand their needs.

Try to see things from their point of view. Putting yourself in their shoes will help you understand and support your partner’s feelings.

And remember to keep an open mind!

Your partner’s needs might be different from yours and that’s okay. Accepting these differences builds trust and closeness.

Managing Strong Emotions

Another huge piece of developing emotional intelligence is learning how to identify and appropriately manage your own emotions.

When big feelings come up, take a deep breath. Pause before you react to give yourself time to think.

Name your emotions.

Are you feeling angry, scared, or sad? Knowing what you feel will help you handle it better.

Use healthy ways to cope with strong emotions. 

Go for a walk, write in a journal, or talk to a friend. These activities can help you process your feelings in a way that builds you up, rather than tears you down.

Practice regular self-care. I cannot emphasize this one enough!

Get enough sleep, eat well, and exercise. When you feel good, it’s a lot easier to manage your emotions.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember that it’s okay to ask for help! A therapist can teach you more ways to handle big feelings.

Step 5: Creating a Safe Space for Intimacy

Establishing a safe space for intimacy helps build trust and closeness in relationships. By focusing on emotions and physical touch, you can create an environment where both partners feel secure and valued.

Facilitating Emotional Bonds

To build emotional bonds, try sharing your feelings more often. 

Start small by talking about your day or a minor worry, then slowly build toward sharing more difficult feelings. This can help you feel more comfortable, opening up in stages rather than all at once.

And just like intimacy, emotional bonds go both ways. Listen without judgment when your romantic partner shares. 

Show interest by asking questions and giving them your full attention, putting away phones and other distractions. This helps create a supportive space for emotional expression.

Use of Physical Touch and Assurance

Physical touch offers a powerful way to show care and build intimacy. Start with small gestures like holding hands or a gentle touch on the arm.

Try not to pull away when your partner reaches out for physical connection. Instead, lean into the touch.

Use hugs to comfort and connect. Just a 20-second hug can release oxytocin, helping you feel closer to your partner.

Remember, everyone has different comfort levels with touch. Talk to your partner about what feels good for both of you.

Step 6: Strategies for Building Secure Attachments

Building secure attachments takes time and effort. You can learn to connect with others in healthier ways by seeking to understand your avoidant behavior and trying new approaches.

Understanding Avoidant Behavior

Avoidant behavior often stems from early experiences. You may have learned to rely only on yourself and push others away, which can make it hard to form close bonds later in life.

Try to notice when you pull back from others. Ask yourself why you feel the need to distance yourself.

Is it fear of getting hurt? Or maybe you’re worried about losing your independence?

Being aware of these patterns is the first step to changing them. You can only start to challenge your avoidant tendencies when you begin to recognize them.

Exploring Therapy Options

Schema therapy, which addresses how your early experiences shape your current relationships, can be helpful for changing your avoidant-dismissive attachment style. But other types of therapy can help too!

Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches new ways of thinking and behaving. Or couples therapy can improve how you connect with your romantic partner.

Talk to a therapist about your goals. They can help you pick the best approach to address your own attachment style and needs.

Fostering a More Secure Attachment Style

To build a more secure attachment style, practice opening up to others. Share your thoughts and feelings, even if it feels scary at first.

Look for opportunities where you can allow other people to help you instead of always being self-reliant.

And try to stay present in your relationships. Don’t pull away when things get tough.

Remember, change takes time. Be patient with yourself as you learn new ways of connecting with others.

…and now you know how to stop being dismissive avoidant. And as the great G.I. Joe once said, knowing is half the battle!

Start with step one and work your way through the steps at a pace that feels achievable and comfortable to you.

Remember, you’ve likely spent your entire life with your dismissive avoidant attachment style. Something that’s been around for decades isn’t going to change overnight and that’s not only okay, it’s expected.

Keep at it, show yourself (and others) grace, and remember what you’ve known all along…that you’ve got this!

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